Creating Conditions for Close Friendships

By Susan Knight | Reflecting on the role of friendship in our lives; and how to create conditions for those friendships to develop and flourish.

Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions.

Photo by Surface on Unsplash

"But do you see—and it's this that I so want you to understand—do you see, it mightn't be so bad living on a different planet, it might even be the most interesting thing imaginable, if you had even one person to share it with. One person who could see it with eyes something like your own." - From 'Burmese Days' by George Orwell

Friendship is fascinating to me because of its mystery and complexity.

On one hand, the impulse to come together in friendship is natural and instinctive. Consider, for example, how toddlers will meet, play together with no hesitation, and form bonds in minutes. As we get older, we may experience something similar to this when we meet someone with whom a friendship develops quickly and easily, so much so that it feels natural and almost effortless.

On the other hand, there are times when the world of friendship doesn’t feel natural at all. Instead, it feels unnatural, complicated, and extremely difficult to navigate. Unfortunately, this more challenging version of the friendship landscape is the reality for large swaths of the adult population, as evidenced by surveys and studies carried out over the past few years. The research reveals that in Canada, the United States, and the United Kingdom millions of men and women are struggling to build and maintain quality friendships. The numbers are shocking and alarming; in all three countries, roughly one out of every five adults reports not having any close friends.

We all need close, trusted friends we can lean on and confide in. Without this support, even minor upsets can start to feel big and overwhelming, leading to discouragement and depression. As emotional isolation gives way to persistent loneliness, people become increasingly susceptible to a host of other issues that eat away at their physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

For the vast majority of people, friendship isn’t just a nice-to-have add-on in life with no measurable impact. On the contrary, research shows positive, supportive relationships go hand in hand with increased physical and psychological well-being levels. Aside from all other relationships and other key variables, friendship has a unique and important role to play as an essential contributor to overall health and well-being.

In light of how important friendship is, how do we start turning things around for the millions of people who have no close friends? We can’t just snap our fingers and make friendships materialize out of thin air. Plus there’s that mysterious element of friendship that’s hard to pin down and reason out logically. Those times, for example, when you click with someone instantly in a way that defies any kind of rational explanation. You feel an immediate sense of comfortability, the conversation flows easily, and both parties seem to be operating on the same wavelength.

There’s no quick fix or magic solution, as we can’t really predict or control how any given friendship will unfold, or if it will get off the ground at all. However, there are steps we can take to move things in the right direction, by creating the conditions needed for friendships to develop, deepen, and flourish.

1. Make time for people.

Busy, busy, busy, everyone is busy! We all have our obligations and priorities to attend to, and there are only so many hours in a day. But stop for a moment and imagine if all the men and women with no close friends suddenly had someone they could confide in, share a laugh with, and lean on during difficult times. They would be happier, more stable, and better equipped to deal with day-to-day issues and life challenges. We would see a dramatic improvement in emotional well-being across society, and a corresponding decline in the number of people resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms simply because they don’t have anyone they can talk to.

Friendship requires a time investment, particularly in the early stages when parties are getting to know each other, establishing trust, and laying a foundation. In making time for someone else, you don’t know the impact you’ll have or the value the time spent might provide for the other person; and you never know how the friendship might grow and take shape as a result of the time spent.

2. Take a genuine interest in people’s lives.

When you take a genuine interest in people and give them your full attention, you’re demonstrating that it’s safe for them to open up and share about themselves. They feel closer to you because they recognize you genuinely care about them and what they have to share. You feel closer to them because you’re learning more about who they are at a deeper level. As both parties open up and gradually disclose more personally about themselves, trust and intimacy builds and the friendship deepens.

3. Provide validation.

There’s risk involved with opening up and revealing our true selves, especially as we get more personal and become more vulnerable. No-one wants to take such a risk and then be chastised, dismissed, judged, or rejected. Providing validation is the process of letting someone know they’ve been heard, understood, and accepted (even if you don’t personally agree with them.) You’re letting them know they have the freedom to reveal where they’re at and what they’re truly thinking or feeling, without being condemned for it.

Validation encourages subsequent sharing, nourishes a growing bond, and provides ideal conditions for a friendship to develop further.

4. Be open to connecting with people different to yourself.

There’s a reason so many tropes revolve around interactions between people from different backgrounds. We may be equal in terms of our inherent worth, but our differences are very real. As captured in dozens of movies, whether as gripping drama or comedy, attempts to connect between different worlds don’t always go smoothly, especially when preconceived notions, condescension, or closedmindedness enter the picture. Nevertheless, sometimes all it takes are shared interests, shared values, or even a shared sense of humour to push all the differences to the background.

Connections that cut across lines and span different worlds (whatever the nature of those lines/differences may be) might require a little more work at times, and an extra measure of self-awareness. However, these connections have the potential to be enjoyable, enlightening, and rewarding in unique and unexpected ways— and at times quite funny, if you don’t take yourself too seriously.

5. Offer people some grace.

A whole new set of social norms have evolved over the past two decades around socially acceptable communication. As a result, people are walking on eggshells out of fear they may say something deemed racist, misogynistic, or otherwise inappropriate. In terrain fraught with so many hazards, routine small talk can feel like a risky endeavour. This makes it hard to relax and speak openly, which is essential for having meaningful conversations and building genuine friendships. We all say things that could easily be misunderstood or misinterpreted if taken in isolation without knowing who we are in totality. If all is going well and you’re not detecting any cause for concern or warning signs otherwise, consider offering some grace if someone’s delivery is less than perfect or they express something that doesn’t land quite right. Over time and with subsequent conversations, you’ll get a more complete picture and fuller understanding of who the person is, and this may lead you to view that initial impression differently.

About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com

Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.

Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions 2024

Notes:

1. YouGov Friendship Study – July 2019: https://d25d2506sfb94s.cloudfront.net/cumulus_uploads/document/m97e4vdjnu/Results%20for%20YouGov%20RealTime%20%28Friendship%29%20164%205.7.2019.xlsx%20%20%5BGroup%5D.pdf

2. What is it like to live without any friends? https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-46320445

3. Are Canadian Men Experiencing a Friendship Recession? Budweiser Canada Champions the Importance of Male Friendships https://www.newswire.ca/news-releases/are-canadian-men-experiencing-a-friendship-recession-budweiser-canada-champions-the-importance-of-male-friendships-813284413.html

4. Adult friendship and well-being: A systematic review with practical implications https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9902704/