Characteristics of Healthy Compromise
By Susan Knight | What healthy compromise looks like in a relationship; and unhealthy dynamics to avoid.
Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
Anyone who has been married knows that no matter how much two people love and care for each other, they’ll encounter bumps from time to time. Be it a difference of opinion, a difference in priorities, or a difference in values, at some point circumstances will arise to expose these differences, leading to disagreement. Ideally, you want to get on top of disagreements and resolve them promptly, before they escalate into more intense, emotionally-charged battles or antagonistic conflict. Healthy compromise enables you to do just that — but what exactly does healthy compromise look like?
Healthy compromise is all about finding a mutually satisfying outcome that sincerely aims to consider and meet each person's needs to the maximum extent possible. Of course, that’s often easier said than done. Personality and temperament, assumptions and expectations, upbringing and behaviours modeled in the family of origin, ingrained emotional patterns, and past relationship experiences each person brings to the table all enter into the mix to complicate matters. Nevertheless, with conscious effort and commitment, along with the necessary skills and ongoing practice, acquiring the ability to engage in healthy compromise is doable.
Here are five characteristics of healthy compromise in a relationship.
1. Healthy compromise happens when both parties are calm and thinking clearly.
It's near impossible to have a constructive conversation when tempers are flared and emotions are running high. In this state, it’s hard to think clearly, hard to listen attentively or empathetically, hard to reason objectively, and hard to troubleshoot effectively. In short, everything is working against you when it comes to finding a solution, meanwhile you increase the likelihood of overreacting or saying something unhelpful.
That’s why before launching into a conversation, it makes sense to check that both parties are reasonably calm, even if it means stepping away from the conversation for a while so either or both parties have time to cool off. Being calm with emotions under control reduces the likelihood of over-reacting or adopting a defensive posture, and puts you in a much better frame of mind to talk things through and actually listen to what the other person is saying.
2. Healthy compromise gives consideration and respect to the needs of both parties.
Compromise does not mean one person automatically gets their way, while the other person's needs are dismissed or discounted. Healthy compromise gives due consideration and respect to the needs of both parties. This creates a secure and solid foundation, from which you can then view each person's needs in context based on the bigger picture. The presence of consideration and respect makes it possible for both parties to come away from the situation feeling good about the outcome, even if that outcome appears to lean more in one person’s favour. For instance, it might make sense to prioritize one person's goals if the circumstances make the pursuit of that goal time-sensitive. (It may still be possible to accommodate the other person's goals, albeit postponed or scaled back.)
3. Healthy compromise addresses concerns that lie beneath the surface.
Caught up in an escalating battle that has you stuck? Consider that there may be something going on beneath the surface. When we find ourselves becoming disproportionately emotional and digging our heels in over something trivial, it's often camouflaging a more important underlying concern, need, or fear. One way to probe this is simply by asking some basic questions and taking the time to answer them honestly: Why is this so important to me? What will getting this provide for me or mean to me? What am I trying to hang on to; or what am I afraid of losing? What do I think/fear will happen if I don’t get this?
You can probe this in a non-threatening way with the other person by holding off on judgements or accusations, and instead asking a question that makes room for exploration, such as: "I think I may be missing something here, so tell me a bit more to help me understand.” Give the other person the floor and listen carefully. If you’re able to go beneath the surface of what appears as mere agitation, irrationality, or unreasonableness to gain a better understanding of what's driving the other person, it will almost always shed light on the situation. Equipped with a clearer view of the whole picture, you’re now able to respond more thoughtfully and sensitively.
4. Healthy compromise occurs freely and willingly. It does not involve guilt-tripping, manipulation, or coercion.
When it comes to real relationships in the real world, there will inevitably be occasions that warrant inconvenience or sacrifice. When this is the case, it's important that you feel good about what you've arrived at and how you arrived at it. Being made to do something against your will through any type of force or manipulation does not reflect healthy compromise. When you decide to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own or make sacrifices to accommodate the other person’s goals, this should be done freely of your own choosing.
It's fine for each party to express their needs, wants, and preferences, but it is never acceptable under any circumstances for someone to force, threaten, intimidate, or bully someone else into complying with their wishes. Emotional blackmail in the form of sulking and pouting, stonewalling or giving the silent treatment, or employing subtle (or not so subtle) forms of “punishment” due to not getting one’s way might seem less serious, but is also cause for concern. Giving in and accommodating this type of behaviour might seem like the quickest and easiest way to settle things, in order to move past the conflict and restore a sense of normalcy. In reality, such accommodation only serves to feed an extremely unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. It reinforces the sense of entitlement in the one making demands, making it highly likely they’ll continue to expect, perhaps even demand, compliance in future. And it causes the one doing the capitulating to gradually lose touch with their inner sense of self, potentially to the point where they find themselves being subsumed by the other person’s identity.
5. Healthy compromise embraces flexibility and openness to alternative options.
In trying to sort things out, it may feel as if you’re going around in circles and getting nowhere. This can easily happen when you become overly focused on one particular way forward, or you allow yourself to be trapped by either/or thinking. You become blind to options that may be available, because you're convinced there can't possibly be any viable options other than whatever you already have in mind.
When this happens, take a step back and try brainstorming some alternative solutions. Give yourself permission to explore anything and everything, even if a prospective idea sounds ridiculous or impossible. This can shake you out of your normal way of looking at things. You may find that out of all those ridiculous ideas, there are a couple that are actually feasible with a bit of creativity and flexibility.
Additional thoughts on relationship dynamics.
While every relationship has a unique set of dynamics based on the two individuals involved, there’s enormous commonality to be found across all relationships. For a beautiful reflection on the changing dynamics in a marriage once child-rearing is no longer the primary focus, be sure to read the article “Marriage - Life After 50” written by Brian Sankarsingh, in which he shares meaningful insights from his own 30-year marriage. There are also plenty of valuable takeaways to be found in the article “On Marriage Through A Different Lens” written by Neil Gonsalves. Thrice married and divorced, Gonsalves offers an intimate and thought-provoking reflection on how the pursuit of success can become a stumbling block to marital bliss.
About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com
Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.
Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions. 2024 ©️
Brilliant. I love the practicality of this. We were not even married for one year when my partner and I decided to attend a marriage counselling class. We had known each other since we were teenagers and been "in love" since that time, but we did not know how to "live with each other" and we did not really know how to communicate with each other. In that class there was not one couple who had been married for less than five years. We both felt weird being there, but we also felt that we needed to be there. It was that class that laid the groundwork for our years together and learning compromise was one significant part of the lesson.