(Married) Life After 50
Brian Sankarsingh ponders the meaning of marriage as we get old
My partner and I have known each other since we were young. When we became an item, I often told her that I would never be the one to walk out the door. When we got married in 1994, I reminded her of that promise and of my commitment to it. To me, this promise was not about our marriage. People walk out of marriages every day. This promise was about our relationship. In other words, I was telling her that I would never be the one to give up on our relationship. During our thirty years of marriage, I have had many opportunities to make good on that promise and I have done so happily and wholeheartedly.
Now that our children are older, and the role of caregiver is no longer a significant part of who we are or what we do, it has signalled to us that we are approaching a new stage of our life together. When children grow up parents may find themselves asking, "Who am I now, that my children are grown?" This phase offers a unique opportunity to rediscover their love, their personal interests, hobbies, and passions that may have been set aside during the busy parenting and providing years.
This phase can have a profound impact on marital relationships. With more time and fewer distractions, couples may find themselves either reconnecting and rediscovering each other or they may discover that they no longer have feelings for each other. For some, this period can bring renewed intimacy and a deeper appreciation for their partnership.
However, it can also bring to light unresolved issues that were previously overshadowed by parenting responsibilities. Nevertheless, if the couple can rediscover the flame that first ignited their relationship, I believe they can find happiness in this new phase of life. Here are three things that I think can help.
Finding new or rediscovering old hobbies
The newfound freedom that comes with this stage of life can be both exhilarating and daunting. Many people take this time to pursue new career opportunities, travel, or engage in volunteer work. Others might choose to further their education, start or even rediscover hobbies. Essentially this is a period when your life is like a blank canvas, offering many possibilities for personal growth and fulfillment. Fortunately, both my partner and I have a good idea of what those things might be, but we know this because we took the time to share it with each other.
The importance of building social connections
As children grow up the importance of maintaining outside social connections becomes crucial. Friendships, family ties, and community involvement can provide valuable support and companionship. Joining clubs, being active in the community, or participating in social groups can help parents build a robust social network. These things can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation and promote positive mental health.
A different type of connectedness with grown children
Whether children still live at home or have moved out on their own, maintaining a strong relationship with them is essential. Regular communication, whether through phone calls, video chats, or visits, can help bridge emotional and physical distance. Whether children are still living with you or not, it is important to respect their independence while still offering support and guidance when needed. Celebrating milestones and creating new family traditions can also help keep the bond strong.
In the quiet hours of his life’s twilight A man sits and begins to write A song haunted by his children laughter In his life’s book a forgotten chapter Once this house was filled with mirth Screams of joy at the warm hearth Tiny footsteps, voices bright Inspiring him each day and night But now the halls are silent, still Loneliness creeps in, against his will Pictures hold their bittersweet gaze Sad reminders of those happier days He longs for the moments, simple and pure Of stories and adventures to explore Holding hands in the evening light Sharing dreams in the still of night The years have passed, they’ve grown and flown Carving paths to places unknown Yet in his heart, they hold their place There never to be replaced He dreams of reunions, smiles to share The bond unbroken, beyond compare A father’s love they will ne’er outgrow No matter where they choose to go In the silence, he whispers their names For this is the only thing that remains His time has passed now say goodbye In the silence there is no reply
Bio: BRIAN SANKARSINGH is a Trinidadian-born Canadian immigrant who has published several books of poetry on a wide range of social and historical themes including racism, colonialism, and enslavement. Sankarsingh artfully blends prose and poetry into his storytelling creating an eclectic mix with both genres. This unique approach is sure to provide something for everyone.
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