Why Do We Have To Be So Distant?
By Susan Knight | Reflecting on the powerful impact of connection in our lives.
Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions.
“Why do we have to be so…” His voice trailed off. There was a brief pause as he searched for the right word to complete his thought: “Why do we have to be so…distant?”
I heard this while out doing my grocery shopping a few days ago. The individual asking the question was the cashier standing across from me. No, he didn’t just ask it randomly from out of nowhere while ringing in my items. That would have been quite strange and a little unnerving, to say the least.
His question arose from the interaction he had with the customer ahead of me. She was pleasantly surprised when he addressed her by name, and he explained that her name was visible when he was checking her points card. She then commented that she shopped there and used her points card regularly, but had never been addressed by name before.
When the cashier started ringing in my items, he elaborated on the subject of addressing customers by name. He said he enjoyed using people’s names because he viewed it as a nice touch that made things more personal. Meanwhile, he noticed other cashiers were reluctant to call customers by name because they felt it was too personal. We chatted a bit longer, and that’s when he asked his question. And it’s a great question: why exactly do we have to be so distant?
Random Subway Encounter
My exchange with the cashier and his question brought to mind an encounter I had while riding the subway more than 20 years ago.
Coming home from work late one evening, there was a busker playing piano in the subway station. As I approached, he started playing the song Georgia on My Mind. I stopped to listen and told him how much I appreciated that he was playing an older song. In response, he expressed how encouraged he was to have someone come along who recognized and appreciated an older tune like that. Our conversation continued from there.
I wound up sticking around for several more songs, the two of us engaged in conversation while he played his piano. I don’t remember the specifics of what we talked about, but I do remember how thoroughly enjoyable the conversation was as we moved from one topic to another. The situation was unique and memorable precisely because of how unexpected it was; a spontaneous and wonderful moment of connection between complete strangers.
Searching For Connection
In contrast to my subway encounter, the story of Kevin Hines illustrates what things look like at the opposite end of the spectrum, when someone is desperately in need of connection but unable to find it.
Hines attempted to take his own life by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California. Miraculously, he survived. He has since shared how in those precarious moments before he jumped, he didn’t actually desire to end his life. What he really wanted was for someone to notice him and reach out to him. He explains:
"As I took a bus to the Golden Gate Bridge I made a pact with myself, ‘If anyone asks me if I'm OK, I'll tell them everything.’ I was the last one off of the bus at the bridge. Even though I was crying my eyes out, in obvious distress, not one person asked me if I was OK. The driver said, ‘Come on kid, get off the bus, I gotta go!’ Quite the opposite of what I was searching for.”
He further describes walking up and down the bridge for 40 minutes, openly crying and desperate for someone to notice his distress, but no-one seemed to notice or care.
We don’t know what was going on with all the people who passed by Hines that day without stopping or showing any interest. They all have their own circumstances and backstories, and there are countless reasons why they might have chosen not to say or do anything. We don’t know what they were thinking, how they felt, or what the situation may have looked like from their vantage point. Nevertheless, as we imagine Hines walking up and down the bridge, surrounded by people yet totally alone in his despair, we’re left with a heart-wrenching image.
Connection Always Has Value
The situation with Hines on the bridge stands out due to his being so obviously and clearly in distress. However, expressing interest in others and attempting to connect needn’t be contingent upon perceived or presumed levels of distress. Connection always has value under any circumstances, whether someone is doing exceptionally well, or not so well. It strengthens and encourages us; it enriches our lives. On a deep level, it lets us know we matter.
Getting back to the original question: why do we have to be so distant? Fortunately, we don’t have to be. Instead, why don’t we strive for a little less distance, and a little more connection.
About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com
Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.
Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions 2024
Notes: https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/advances-in-psychiatric-treatment/article/hey-kid-are-you-ok-a-story-of-suicide-survived/88C65B70C319E5DBC4935E33A87E404A
Excellent read Susan.
Aloofness was once a prized personality trait sometimes associated with deep thinking, a refusal to get sucked into the fray or bandy about with the mucky-mucks. What we know now is that we ALL need connections in our lives and without them we wither on the vine and die. Oh, we may still be alive but inside we are anything but.