What is "the norm?"
By Vernon Hiller | Some of the most common phrases we use refer to what is considered "the norm." This article examines how we decide on what passes as the norm and why that matters.
By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
My wife and I were talking the other day about some of the many personalities and characters we know through work, volunteering, friendships and family. As we noted all the differences both obvious and subtly hidden or trustingly shared, we began to ask: “what is the norm?”
We use the term so often that the many variations on the phrase have become the norm themselves. “It’s the norm.” “It’s out of the norm.” “They’re not the norm.” “It’s beyond the norm.” Yet how often do we examine what the norm is based on? When you think about it, any real examination regarding people and what is normal would have to go so much deeper than just physical characteristics such as body type, skin colour or even where they reside. It would also have to look beyond culture, language, religious affiliation and sexual orientation.
When we considered a group of people we regularly associate with, their different strengths, weaknesses, mannerisms and varying levels of shyness, insecurity, distractibility, and insensitivity became evident. Some were slow to pick up on social cues, others had strong work ethics, still others appeared quite confident. Some of these traits may be a result of the environment they grew up in and what they learned, others may reflect some form of neurodiversity like ADHD, autism, or dyslexia. Some of them are dealing with age-related issues, others financial. Those closest will sometimes share that they battle imposter syndrome or anxiety.
Taking all those differences into account, again one has to ask, what is the norm? Even if we found someone who seemed to fit what we might otherwise call normal by the unspoken standards we set in society, they most certainly would not fit that description in any other social construct. On top of that, in order to be considered the norm, there would have to be a majority of people who shared all of the characteristics we used to label them as such. Suddenly that effort gets a whole lot more difficult. Not to say anything of the fact that the criteria you or I might use would no doubt be different than that of a neighbour’s or even a family member. So again I ask, what is the norm?
Those things we most feel would set us apart from the norm are often the ones we work hardest to hide. Feelings of shame, embarrassment or humiliation often keep us from sharing things like depression, mental illness or the struggles that have arisen from abuse or trauma. Such feelings can stay hidden for years, never being shared with even the closest of friends or family. Do such individuals fall outside of the norm or are they indicative of it? How would we know?
All of this again brings me back to our original question: “what is the norm?” Perhaps the answer lies in what differentiates us. Perhaps the fact that we all struggle is the norm. Perhaps our differences - those things that we too often believe set us apart - are actually our tightest bond. We all have that need to feel a part of the whole, to have others view us as playing a significant part in the journey we call life. Perhaps what ties us all together most strongly - what represents the norm - are the differences and struggles we individually battle but collectively share.
Finding one person or group that effectively meets all of the criteria associated with the norm? Impossible.
Finding a world in which everyone struggles to find their place? “The norm.”
About the Author:
Vernon Hiller has a passion for sharing experience-supported personal growth and goal-setting strategies as a means of helping others discover their potential. He was a Board member with LEADR - a charity dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. A retired 36 year decorated District Chief with Toronto Fire, he now speaks to the importance of never giving up on your dreams, why Setting Goals that align with your values matters, and how a Positive Mindset can keep you on track to produce optimal results.
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This is thoughtful, compassionate, and timely. You challenge the lazy shorthand of “normal” and replace it with something more honest: a mosaic of differences, struggles, and strengths that we all carry. I appreciate how you name real traits of neurodiversity, anxiety, imposter syndrome (something I often struggle with), financial and age-related pressures, all without pathologizing people. That framing gives dignity. It invites readers to trade judgment for curiosity and makes “the norm” feel less like a ruler and more like a mirror.
Your conclusion lands well: what binds us isn’t sameness, it’s our shared work of finding a place to belong. Reframing struggle as common ground is disarming and hopeful. It opens space for empathy and disclosure, which is how communities get stronger. Thanks for reminding us that the most human thing about our imperfect, particular lives isn’t an exception to the norm. It is the norm.