The Silent Weight - How The First Responder’s Life Shapes Families

By Suzz Sandalwood | This culture of sacrifice sometimes leads to a deep, often unspoken fracture in family dynamics.

Written by Suzz Sandalwood | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions

Image Courtesy of Getty

“It wasn’t me that was stabbed.”

This was a text I received in the middle of the night years ago when my then first responder spouse attempted to shield me from the anxiety and panic that would have erupted had I woke and heard the news that an officer was stabbed while he was on shift. There were many times that I heard about a shooting, an accident or a chase and refreshed news feeds on my phone to make sure it wasn’t him. And despite the fact that he told me if anything ever happened to him, I would know before the news, I would still check traffic reports if he was late.

This constant worry is not uncommon for first responder family members. They know too much. Their minds race ahead, filling in the gaps before the details emerge. Is it them? Is it someone they know? Even if it isn’t, will this be the call that breaks their family? They know the risks and they know that bad things do happen; even to good people. And while it has been almost five years since I have been a first responder spouse, I have never forgotten what my dysregulated nervous system constantly felt like all those years; and I never talked about it because I didn’t know how to talk about it without feeling like I was betraying the honour of being a first responder spouse.

THE CULTURE OF SACRIFICE

There is a culture of sacrifice that is embedded deep within the profession, particularly in law enforcement. The very nature of the job, with its demanding hours, its inherent risks, and the emotional toll it takes, often promotes a mindset where the job comes first, and family comes second. It’s a concept so ingrained in the culture that it’s often difficult to even recognize or challenge. In fact, many first responders themselves don’t realize the extent to which the job demands their loyalty, often at the expense of their families. This expectation is not just a product of the demands of the profession, but also a deeply rooted cultural belief that to be a good officer, one must always put the job before everything else.

At the heart of this dynamic is the "thin blue line" mentality. There is the idea that law enforcement officers are separate from the rest of society, tasked with protecting it from chaos, and that their duty to their community outweighs everything else. This mentality is reinforced from the time of hire to the time of retiring. An officer’s identity can become so entwined with their profession that they are defined by the badge, by the calls they answer, by the people they serve and protect. So, it is not uncommon for officers especially to feel a sense of loyalty to their job and to their colleagues that goes beyond the family they may come home to. This is not a choice for first responders but an expectation and as mentioned in my previous blog, a combination of structural, cultural, leadership, and systemic factors within first responder organizations that perpetuate these belief systems.

The problem is, this culture of sacrifice sometimes leads to a deep, often unspoken fracture in family dynamics. One that many do not see coming and one that certainly no one wants to happen. So, for those of you who are family members of first responders who are navigating between pride and struggle, who feel unseen in a society that is pushing towards awareness and reducing the stigma of mental health of first responders while you quietly watch in the background, this blog is for you; the one’s who also deserve to have their stories witnessed.

THE UNSPOKEN TOLL ON FAMILIES

We cannot talk about the impact of the first responder job without addressing the impact on families. The emotional distance that can come with prioritizing the job over family is hard to articulate, yet can be felt deeply by spouses, children, and extended family members of first responders. When first responders are consistently encouraged to choose the job over their families, it sometimes fosters an unspoken message that they are secondary, and their commitment to family comes after their commitment to this job. The emotional toll on families can be immense. The weight is often shared, sometimes knowingly, sometimes in ways that don’t even have words. The first responder world is built on strength, on an expectation to endure. But that expectation doesn’t stop at the door to work. Families, too, feel the pressure to be just as strong, just as steady. To not complain. To not break. To not admit when it’s hard.

And it is hard.

Not just because of the danger or the long shifts, but because of the invisible burdens, the emotional distance that can creep in, the exhaustion that can become a third presence in every conversation, the way the job reinvents a person over time. The way their loved one’s eyes darken when they see something that reminds them of a bad call. The way they shut down after a long shift, unable to transition from chaos to calm and be fully present. The way first responders sometimes feel more like ghosts than people, carrying stories they won’t share, memories they won’t let anyone else hold. Some spouses may become the de facto therapist, absorbing the trauma that their partner cannot process elsewhere. Some first responders overshare, leaving their partners carrying disturbing images they never asked for. Either way, the emotional toll can be heavy. This again comes back to the crucial need for more first responder support.

There is no roadmap for how to be a first responder family. There is no manual for how to be the family member of someone who supports someone who spends their days stepping into other people’s worst moments. There is no perfect framework on how to do this while trying to maintain their own sense of self and emotional regulation. There is no easy way to prepare for the emotional whiplash of watching their loved one walk out the door, not knowing if they’ll come back the same or at all. It’s choosing, over and over, to stand beside someone who runs toward what most people run from. It’s learning to hold space for someone whose job can change them, while sometimes trying to set boundaries to protect their own emotional well-being and other times feeling like they have to carry everything alone. It’s a constant balancing act, trying to hold onto the good moments that exist in the spaces in between. And when issues like addiction or other common effects of this work arise, it can become overwhelming.

LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF FEAR

If I took a poll and asked what are the top worries a loved one of a first responder has, I have no doubt that almost all would say fear of their first responder dying and fear of the impact the job has on their loved one’s mental health. Working with first responder families has shown me that this fear is not shifting. The reality is, being a first responder has significant risk factors and loving a first responder means knowing every shift could be the one that changes everything. That reality is always humming in the background, even on ordinary days. And despite the belief that experience builds resilience, no one does the first responder job without some form of impact on their mental wellness. Some find ways to process it, to cope in healthy ways like therapy, exercise, talking it through with people who understand. Others struggle, retreat, or seek comfort in things that mask or hide the pain. Family members who bare witness to the struggles that can surface can sometimes begin to experience their own issues with coping.

From conversations with first responder families and other friends who are first responder families, there is a common theme of shame and guilt when a family member finds it difficult to cope with it all. The messaging that family members are the unsung heroes, the glue that holds the family together and the one’s that make is easier for the first responder to do their job can come with a price tag that we are not talking about enough. Families may feel an unspoken expectation to uphold a certain image of being strong, resilient and unwavering. The “family behind the badge” rhetoric, while meant to honor and support families, can sometimes create an unrealistic standard. It implies that families must endure silently, that their struggles should not overshadow the sacrifices of their first responder. We talk more now about PTSD among first responders, but we talk far less about the second-hand impact, the way spouses, children, and even extended family absorb the emotional residue of the job. Families may not wear the uniform, but in many ways, they serve too.

FAMILY MEMBERS ARE NOT PASSIVE BYSTANDERS

A common question I get asked from families of first responders is, "How can I support my loved one?" While this can be translated into an act of deep love and dedication, I always ask in return, "What does support look like for you?" Being a first responder family can leave loved ones feeling powerless. The fear of seeing their loved one walk out the door, the worry about their safety and mental well-being, the strain of trying to maintain a normal family life while the job looms in the background can increase stress levels.

In the midst of this, it can be difficult for families to recognize that their own needs matter too. With all this weight, the most important thing that families of first responders can do is take care of themselves as individuals. The emotional health of first responder family member is just as important as the physical and mental health of the first responders themselves.

With that being said, too often, family members are left to carry these burdens alone, out of fear that others won’t understand or that they’ll be seen as not being supportive to their first responder. We live in a society of either or, but the truth is you can be proud to be a first responder family member and struggle with the impact in has on you and your family. Both of those things can coexist.

First responder family members are not just passive bystanders to the job, they are deeply impacted by it. Self-care is not a luxury; it is a necessity. We need to continue to have open conversations about the struggles they may face, without fear of being judged for not being strong enough. The movement towards better understanding and support for first responders must include a parallel movement with the family members that may be at their side.

THE UNDERLYING CONFLICT

In Ontario, several organizations are beginning to offer support to first responders and their families but the stigma surrounding mental health within the first responder community can deter even family members from seeking help. This can feel isolating, leaving them to cope with the challenges largely on their own just like the first responder.

We cannot continue to offer supports and resources for first responder family members without truly making it okay to seek support for them too. We have to recognize that some will not reach out for support because they fear there will be repercussions for their first responder loved one if they disclose that they are being impacted by the struggle of their first responder. Questions like “what will happen if I tell someone my first responder is struggling with their mental health or struggling with addiction?” are common. The underlying conflict between asking for support and not wanting to put their first responder loved one at risk for workplace backlash is something that can linger in a loved ones mind.

There is so much complexity for first responders and their families when it comes to mental wellness. For those that are trying to find their way to navigate through the unpredictable and certain struggle that will come with first responder family life, there can be many outcomes. The reality is some families make it through with a strong, unbreakable bond, while others just can’t seem to make their way through together.

Sometimes families stay together and sometimes they do not. To know that the job has the potential to pull apart families is even more reason why protective factors and support need to be humanized for this profession. We need to continue to dismantle the barriers of silence and stigma that hinder both first responders and their families from accessing the support they need, acknowledging that the emotional toll is not one that can be carried in isolation but requires collective understanding, compassion and change.

NEXT WEEK IN 911 COMMUNITY

As I continue to explore the very human realities of first responders and their families, I will unpack the issue of addiction among first responders, examining how this pervasive problem affects not only the individuals but also their families, and discussing the urgent need for more comprehensive support systems.

About the Author: Suzz Sandalwood is an Advanced Certified Clinical Trauma and Addiction Specialist and a Certified Grief Counsellor. She has extensive professional and lived experience in first responder, addiction, and grief communities. | Connect with the author: https://suzzsandalwood.com/

Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions. 2025 ©️

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