The Impact of Assumptions

By Vernon Hiller | Assumptions come in many forms from many sources, but seldom do we question the assumptions we make about ourselves. Sometimes if we're not careful, they can be the most dangerous

By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions

Photo by Adolfo Félix on Unsplash

There are few things more satisfying than proving someone wrong who has made assumptions about who you are and what you’re about. We’ve all been there, those peers, instructors, teachers or supervisors who thought they had us all figured out. They form impressions of us by how we appear on the outside without ever looking deeper into what aspirations or disciplines we have on the inside.

As a young man I spent a lot of time in the gym working out with weights. One thing that always put a smile on my face was being underestimated. When the gym was busy, and certain equipment was being used, it was common for guys to ask if they could work in with whoever was using that piece of equipment. On occasion I would ask guys if I could work in on the bench press with them. More often than not they would be around 30-50 pounds heavier than me, but would reluctantly agree. It was clear they thought I’d quickly move on after they started adding weight to the bar, but that was the part I liked. After doing a warmup set, weights would be added for each subsequent set. As we all began to struggle under the increasing weight load I would continue to hang in there. As we approached our max where we were all only able to do 1 or 2 reps, I would still be there pounding it out with them. When we were done I would just say thanks, walk away and do my best to hide the grin forming around my mouth. My reward was seeing the surprised looks on their faces after I shattered the assumptions they had made of me.

That was the good side of having people make assumptions about me. But there is also a dark side. Sometimes those who assume they know all about you are in a position of power, and this is where things can turn ugly. If they assume you are better than you actually are then it can go one of two ways. They can either be supportive and help build you up, or if they are the kind of person who feels let down or betrayed when you don’t live up to their assumption, then they may turn to ridicule, belittling and embarrassment tactics. Such individuals will also use these tactics when they have assumed you to be less than you are and don’t belong there.

When I was in college the director of a show we were rehearsing ridiculed me in front of the entire cast saying that if I couldn’t get the timing right for my song’s introduction, there were many who were more than willing to take my place. Even at the young age of 22 I knew that this was not the right approach to teaching or supporting a student, but felt so humiliated I failed to stand up for myself. Although I knew I was right, I was not yet confident enough to speak truth to power. However, I learned from it, and that was the last time I let anyone speak to me that way without standing my ground.

When we are young it is extremely common to find ourselves in positions where we have to endure all sorts assumptions by those in power. However, the box others put us in does not have to limit or define us. Each of us has the power to set our course, stick to it, and push through the negative assumptions of others. More often than not such individuals choose to diminish us as a way of elevating themselves. The fact that they need to do this says so much more about them than it says about you. In their efforts to show all that they know, they miss the opportunity to inspire their students. They fail to show them any sort of process for grasping the material, and rather than lift the student up, put them down. In short, they are not teachers.

One thing that hardened me to such assumptions when I was young was learning I had perseverence. I came to see myself as the tortoise in the “tortoise and the hare” fable. Seldom was I ever the fastest or strongest, but the one thing I did have was staying power - endurance for the long game. Although I’ve always tried not to measure myself against others, in my 20’s I began to notice that if I set a goal that excited me I had the ability to hyper focus and stay with it beyond many of my peers. I just knew I could reach it regardless of how long it took.

I started working out at age 18 and stayed at it religiously until I was 43 despite my father saying it was “just a fad.” When my friends all went off to college at age 18 and 19, I wasn’t ready until age 21 when I finally found something I loved. I graduated at 24, dated my wife from age 23 to 32 and bought my first house at age 27. We were married when I was 32 and had my son just before I turned 43. I went back to school at age 36 and graduated from university at the ripe old age of 44. Some may say I did everything backwards or out of order but it worked for me. Going at my own pace allowed me the time I needed to learn about myself. All the while I progressed through the ranks in my career, became a landlord and continued investing in myself and my family.

My point is that all of these goals took time, and I was certainly behind many of my peers when I started working towards them. But I stayed in the game, continued to set new goals and eventually found myself surpassing the point at which many of my colleagues and acquaintances began to level off. For me, the challenge was finding things that excited me and then seeing how much I could squeeze out of myself. What I discovered was that while I was pushing myself to reach new goals I was changing. I became someone my 18 year old self could never have imagined possible.

I guess what I have come to realize is that the impact that the negative assumptions others make about us, pales in comparison to the assumptions we make about ourselves. Those negative assumptions about our weaknesses, talents, and potential all contribute to the story we tell ourselves about what we can or cannot do. If we are not careful, they can become the defining story we tell ourself. It can be hard to imagine how things might all play out when we are at the starting line. It is even harder to believe that change is possible. But in the same way that we have the power to challenge the assumptions others make about us, we also have the power to challenge and change the story we tell ourselves. By changing our narrative, we can rewrite our story and dramatically change the direction of our life.

About the Author: Vernon Hiller is a decorated District Chief of Operations (Retired) with the Toronto Fire Services and has served the city for over 36 years. He is a Board member with LEADR - a charitable non-profit organization dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. - Having struggled with ADHD as a child, Vernon is passionate about helping others discover the potential that hides within them.

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