The Erosion of Empathy
By Vernon Hiller | We all have stories to tell and a need to feel relevant. This article examines the value in allowing others that opportunity.
By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
“When seeking to understand, put away your own autobiography.” Stephen Covey
Years ago back in college my roommate and I had an inside joke which played off how common it was for those in our industry to steer conversations towards themselves. Whenever we attended an event filled with our peers there were always a handful of individuals who would go on and on about the roles they were up for, how they just nailed their last audition, or how their agent had just lined up the perfect part for them. These conversations became so common that my friend and I would often joke that they might as well have said; “how rude of me, here I am going on about myself…why don’t you speak about me for a while.” Although always good for a laugh, the me-centric nature of these conversations occurred so often that we began referring to them as “Me-Me-Me” talk.
We are all guilty of engaging in me-centric conversations from time to time. It’s natural to want to share what is happening in our lives and demonstrate our significance, but if carried too far it begins to show a lack of interest in what is happening outside of ourselves. Not only does it appear insensitive and lacking empathy, but by failing to turn the focus outwards it eliminates any chance of learning through listening.
Which brings me to the nature of social media and its slant towards self promotion. Too many social media exchanges eliminate the personal one-on-one nature of communication by dumping everything about oneself online and then walking away. Whether it’s a post on Facebook or WhatsApp, a group text or just a selfie, too often we see people dumping a photo, making a remark and walking away. There is little or no context or reason given for the post. No exchange of ideas or getting back to those who respond. It’s just a self-promoting advertisement about how great things are going in one’s life. A snapshot or highlight reel if you will.
Perhaps it’s just me, but it seems that people have become so used to seeing redundant, meaningless self promotion that when a notice is made about something important that demands a deep empathetic response, many pass it by as if it is just another selfie. The emotional distance that texting, Face-timing, and emails tend to create virtually eliminates the kind of authentic connection found only in face to face conversations. It’s been my observation that many people don’t know how to respond to devastating news any more. For example, when told that someone has cancer, the response - if there is one - often lacks genuine concern, sincerity, or any depth of understanding towards the impact such news can have. Then it’s back to me-me-me. It’s as if our sense of empathy has been eroded. Add to that the amount of violence we are exposed to these days -whether real or fabricated- and one can begin to understand why we have become numbed to the tragic consequences of such events.
As someone who has witnessed countless tragic events over the course of my career I can attest to how such incidents can begin to feel like the norm. It becomes easy to miss the deep impact they have on individuals and their families. My exposure to and immersion in so many types of tragedy coupled with my intense focus on efficiently executing the task at hand, gradually numbed me, making me insensitive to the profound impact such events had on others. I was many years into my career before an act of compassion by a paramedic towards a grieving family member woke me up to the importance of not just doing my job but also offering consolation to those involved. That sense of compassion and understanding can be so impactful during times of suffering and pain. A simple act like putting an arm around someone, a hand on their shoulder or uttering words of comfort can go a long way towards demonstrating they are not alone and that there is a shared humanity on scene that understands and empathizes with their pain.
When we examine the degree to which the violence and negative messaging we are exposed to through the media has grown, we can begin to understand why so many put up defensive walls to protect themselves from feeling the implications of such stresses too deeply. It can be a form of emotional protection. Couple this with the emerging me-centric form of communication where there is a deep need to illustrate one’s significance, and one begins to see why there seems to be a growing disinterest in anything outside of oneself. The increasing exposure to both of these societal changes has created a monumental shift in how we process events and greatly limited opportunities for engaging in conversations requiring any emotional depth, thoughtful insight or investment of oneself in another.
Perhaps it is time we all took a step back and woke up to the fact that apart from me, myself and I, we share this planet with a whole cast of characters who like us, have stories to tell and a need to be heard.
About the Author: Vernon Hiller is a decorated District Chief of Operations (Retired) with the Toronto Fire Services and has served the city for over 36 years. He is a Board member with LEADR - a charitable non-profit organization dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. - Having struggled with ADHD as a child, Vernon is passionate about helping others discover the potential that hides within them.
