The Art of Listening
By Susan Knight | The art of being a good listener, inspired by the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse.
Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
“Vasudeva listened with great attention…it was one of the ferryman’s greatest virtues that, like few people, he knew how to listen” (104).
We’re all familiar with the characteristics of poor listening: impatiently waiting for someone to finish speaking, thinking ahead to a response, or being physically present but with a mind that’s far away. But what makes someone a good listener? What does it look like when someone excels in the art of listening? What does this look like as the process unfolds?
Good listening entails giving someone your full, undivided attention. It requires being present not just with your physical being, but also with your heart and mind. And it is characterized by an interest in whatever the person is sharing about, not because you necessarily care about the issue or subject in and of itself, but because you’re interested in the person sharing about it.
Absorbed in Another Person’s Life
The following excerpt from Hermann Hesse’s book Siddhartha demonstrates the art of listening and shows how it establishes deep connections and bonds between people:
“Without his saying a word, the speaker felt that Vasudeva took in every word, quietly, expectantly, that he missed nothing…Siddhartha felt how wonderful it was to have such a listener who could be absorbed in another person’s life, his strivings, his sorrows” (104).
To be absorbed in another person’s life truly is a wonderful thing. As you take in their words, you enter into their world, connecting with who they are and where they are in that particular moment. The speaker is left feeling heard, understood, and cared for. It’s a far cry from those occasions where the listener is indifferent, distracted, or detached, which almost always results in their responses coming across as hollow, mechanical, or insincere, regardless of how well-crafted the actual words may be.
Attentiveness
Good listening is about far more than the words being exchanged. It’s about the experience being shared between the two individuals which enables a connection and bond to be established. Attentiveness is at the centre of this:
“As he went on speaking and Vasudeva listened to him with a serene face, Siddhartha was more keenly aware than ever of Vasudeva’s attentiveness. He felt his troubles, his anxieties and his secret hopes flow across to him and then return again” (133).
What an enchanting description of the spoken and unspoken communication between Siddhartha and Vasudeva, capturing the depth and intensity of their shared experience. This scene provides further insight into what makes someone a good listener.
A person may be skillful in how they answer after listening to someone else. However, this isn’t anywhere near the same as having someone else’s troubles, anxieties, and secret hopes flow across to you and then return back to the person from whom they originated. The latter requires a different kind of focus, effort, and engagement. Indeed, it requires an entirely different objective: to not just “answer” the person speaking, but to genuinely be with and connect with the person. Vasudeva is portrayed as having mastered this kind of attentiveness such that it isn’t merely an exercise he performs, but rather who he is at heart. He does it with ease simply by being himself, as if he could not do otherwise.
Slipping Into Someone Else’s Spirit
Some will argue that the fictional exchange between Siddartha and Vasudeva is just that, fiction, and ought not to be viewed as realistic or attainable. But the fact of the matter is, it is entirely realistic and very much attainable. I'm reminded of reading about two friends who made a commitment to share a single word with each other every day, keeping up the practice consistently for years. Restricting themselves to a single word was deliberate, intended to build intimacy and embrace imagination. One of the friends described that unlike when an idea is explained with several words or sentences, relying on a single word is less precise, thus requiring that one “slip into the other's spirit, into the other's mind.”
Slipping into someone else’s spirit, into their mind. Does that not capture a similar essence to that of having one’s troubles, anxieties and secret hopes flow across to another and then return again? Does it not capture each friend’s absorption in the other’s life? Does the act of extracting meaning from a single word not speak to an incredible degree of attentiveness? In many ways, the shared practice between two friends is the embodiment of artful listening, expressed in a unique and profound way.
Perhaps the imagery Hesse provides in Siddhartha is a reflection of himself, while also reflecting the intensity so often found among artists like himself. Those who possess vivid imaginations, heightened sensitivity, and a unique capacity to engage with the entirety of their inner spirit, fuelled from the depths of their soul. Those who tend to operate in the world a little bit differently from everyone else. The type of characters who perceive as enlivening that which others may perceive as uncomfortable or invasive. Interestingly but not at all surprisingly, the two friends previously mentioned who share the practice of exchanging a single word daily are both lifelong artists.
Too Close and Intense?
Even if this kind of exchange between two individuals is indeed possible, some will argue that it isn’t desirable because it’s too close, too intense, simply too much. I would argue that the rarity of this level of listening and these kinds of exchanges is one of the reasons so many people feel increasingly atomized, struggling with loneliness and isolation even if they routinely interact with others in their daily lives. In spite of all the perfunctory, transactional, or social communication that takes place, troubles and anxieties aren’t shared as often as they need to be. When they are shared, it’s in a watered-down, sugar-coated sort of way so as not be disruptive, as opposed to open, honest, raw sharing of the heart that reveals what is actually taking place.
And when people have no-one with whom they feel they can safely share their secret hopes, is it any wonder they’re left feeling lonely and isolated?
Everyone Wants to Be Seen and Heard
Listening takes many different forms, even among the same two people, being influenced by shared history, current circumstances, subject of discussion, and many other variables. Needs and preferences may differ when it comes to listening, but everyone wants to be seen and heard, and there are myriad negative consequences at an individual and societal level when people don’t feel seen and heard. Conversely, being listened to — really listened to, such that you feel heard, understood, and genuinely cared for — is nourishing and healing, even transformative at times.
Every person has their own unique combination of strengths, and perhaps not everyone is cut out to be a master in the art of listening. But we can all aim to stretch ourselves just a little bit in order to become better at it.
Reference: Hesse, Hermann. Siddhartha. New Directions Publishing Corporation, 1951.
About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com
Susan is a writer, certified health and wellness coach, and author of Living Well: Self-Discovery, Connection and Growth
I loved this piece - maybe because it called out a few of my own bad habits. In the past I frequently “listened” only to respond. I also just “listened” to provide a solution to the speakers problem. As I’ve grown older I have found a high degree of clarity in learning to listen - truly listen - to a person. It has opened up a world I never imagined possible. A view into a life. Someone else’s perspective. With all the nuance and nature and worldview that comes with it. Truly life changing.