One of the most important decisions you'll ever make
By Vernon Hiller | Committing to a serious long term relationship often involves going in blind, but asking yourself the right questions can go a long way towards mitigating problems down the road.
By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
I had the privilege of speaking with a gentleman the other day who shared that he was married to the most wonderful woman. They met 8 years ago in Ukraine while he was there on business and instantly hit it off. He confided that she was unlike any other woman he had ever dated. I said I knew exactly what he meant and shared that one of the most important decisions I think we make in life is choosing our partner wisely.
So many of us rush into relationships for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we feel pressured by family or friends, or by our “biological clock,” other times it can be a need for support, or because of a sexual connection. It’s easy to miss how choosing someone to be our significant other can affect so many aspects of our life. Some questions we might consider asking ourselves first might include, is this person likely to grow in the same direction as me, do we have similar approaches to managing our finances, do we both want children, and do I find my love and appreciation for this person growing, or has it levelled off?
These are just some of the many things we might consider before diving into a committed relationship. Others may include asking if you both share similar career goals and personal values, and what kind of lifestyle do you aspire to creating for yourselves. Are you content with the simple pleasures of life or do you yearn for a lavish lifestyle?
When you cannot answer these questions for yourself, it can be extremely hard to see if the two of you are aligned with any or many of these questions? In that case, sometimes it helps to take a step back, take a deeper look into what is currently keeping you together and ask what it is you want for yourself down the road.
My own experience has taught me that a relationship is a partnership that will have to endure many ups and downs over the years. Your communication style is challenged. You are often required to put your ego aside and be willing to see another’s perspective enough to be able to empathize with them. You must adopt a willingness to change and grow because the old excuse that “you knew who I was when we first started dating” just won’t hold up in the long run, especially if your partner grows to expect more from themselves and your relationship. You must be willing to encourage and support the other person’s desire to become their best self even if it means adjusting your own path. Relationships involve two people, so by their very nature demand a level of compromise to which individuals are just not accustomed.
I have learned that the families we are born into have their own micro-cultures which can be quite different from those that our partners may have grown up with. In the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, author John Gray asserts that on top of being raised with different values, norms, or expectations, men and women also have fundamental psychological differences that can impact their needs, expectations and communication styles. This can create additional stress when trying to blend who you are with everything that makes up your partner and then develop an approach that reflects a merging of each culture.
My late grandmother divorced after having been married for only about 7 years and never remarried. When I was in college I lived with her for my first year before finding my own place. We often talked in the evening while watching TV and one night I asked her why she never remarried. Although she didn’t really say, I think it was because she never really fell out of love with my grandfather. She did share however that I should be careful not to wait too long before getting married because it is very easy to get used to living alone and having no one else to consider when making decisions or plans. That requirement of always having to consider another person stuck with me. It made me think about the changes I would have to adopt to make a relationship work.
When my own parents divorced, I would often say that I learned more from them about what not to do in a marriage than what to do. Although their example was not overtly bad, what I came to see lacking were the many little things that add up to make a relationship special. Things like saying I love you on a regular basis, buying flowers from time to time, putting the effort into learning your partner’s language, and recognizing when they need their space or need to be heard.
What I had not yet learned was how much a partner can teach you about yourself, your weaknesses and strengths, and about your mannerisms and personality traits. If you are willing to listen with humility and not take offence, they can help you grow into someone you might never have been able to become on your own, and that gift is mutual. That shared growth is an extension of the love you share and just one of the many benefits that can come from choosing the right life partner.
We seldom hear benefits such as these being shared, and not surprisingly, people are becoming much more cautious about marriage than ever before. Although the divorce rate in Canada has actually been steadily falling since the 90’s, fewer people are now getting married. Many are opting instead to live together. When those relationships end they are not recorded in any divorce data, so such statistics are not necessarily the best indicator of the number of relationships that are ending.
With many provinces now granting the same property rights to common law couples as they do to married couples, the financial implications for breakups can be quite severe. Thus, many are opting to live together in an effort to first “test the waters” and weed out any potential issues. With all of these things to consider, choosing one’s life partner becomes one of the most important decisions any of us will ever make. All the more reason to take it slow, be honest with yourself about what you need, what will most benefit you, and what will be required from you in order to build a loving, mutually beneficial relationship over the long haul.
About the Author: Vernon Hiller is a decorated District Chief of Operations (Retired) with the Toronto Fire Services and has served the city for over 36 years. He is a Board member with LEADR - a charitable non-profit organization dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. - Having struggled with ADHD as a child, Vernon is passionate about helping others discover the potential that hides within them.
