Looking for Love Online
By Susan Knight | Reflecting on my interesting and memorable experience stepping into the world of online dating.
Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
What’s the online dating world really like? Does the actual experience live up to all the marketing hype and promises the dating sites put out?
The article “Swiping, sorting, browsing - but not dating” written by Neil Gonsalves for Seeking Veritas offers an entertaining and enlightening look at the use of dating apps; and sheds light on the detrimental effect these apps are having on how people are viewed and treated within the dating arena. While reading that article, I couldn’t help but reminisce about my own experience when I stepped into world of online dating more than a decade ago.
To say my experience with online dating was overwhelmingly positive would be an understatement. It remains one of the most interesting and memorable experiences of my life, for a variety of reasons. While the highlight was meeting the love of my life, the experience also provided an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and my values.
But first, I should point out that I used the eHarmony dating site. It’s different from most sites in that you don’t randomly swipe through hundreds of profiles. After completing a comprehensive personality assessment, the site’s algorithm matches you to those whom you’re deemed to be most compatible with. Once matched, a series of guided communication prompts are provided for getting to know someone better. The approach might seem too limited or structured for some people, but I enjoyed it and found it to be very effective.
Reading preferences, or lack thereof.
Every eHarmony profile page has room for users to identify the last book they’ve read. To my surprise, quite a few men left this space blank, stating they rarely or never read. I realize there are plenty of activities someone might choose to do in their spare time besides reading. For me, however, books have always held a special place in my life. Each time I came across the profile of someone stating he couldn’t remember when last he picked up a book, I was reminded of how much I value reading, how much it has shaped me, and all that it has given me over the years.
On the flip side, one gentleman’s profile caught my attention precisely because of the last book he read: A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. At the time, I was enamoured with Mistry, devouring his books one after the other. While I thought A Fine Balance was a fabulous book, I also recognized it would not be to everyone’s taste. Aside from being a very long book, the nature of the content has accurately been described as grim.
As I read this man’s thoughtful and mature comments about the book, I could tell it was colouring my perception of him positively. It was clear to me we weren’t a potential fit for numerous reasons. However, the depth of his response to that book piqued my curiosity and drew me in. Despite the lack of romantic interest, I found myself wanting to know more about him and his backstory.
Physically attractive by society’s standards.
The site also had a feature for building a “must have” list and a “can’t stand” list. After going through dozens of options on each list, you would select the ten options you felt most strongly about, and then exchange lists with the person you were in communication with. It was an excellent way for the two parties to see how much overlap they shared in their priorities, and how closely (or not) their values aligned.
As I reviewed the two lists from someone who had initiated contact with me, one item stood out. On his “must have” list, he indicated that his partner must be physically attractive by society’s standards. Upon reading that, my first thought was, why on earth would it matter whether or not the rest of society thinks your partner is attractive? I was genuinely puzzled by this, because I can honestly say it has never once crossed my mind to consider whether anyone else finds my partner attractive, let alone factor that in as a consideration for whether or not I would want to be with someone.
My second thought was, even if he views his partner as attractive by society’s standards when they first get together, what happens as she gets older? What happens as hair thins and greys, wrinkles appear, skin sags, and body shape changes? What happens if she gets into accident or has an injury that impacts her appearance in some way?
The longer I pondered it, the more it seemed detached from reality (from my reality, at least), so much so that I just could not get my head around it; not to mention the icky feeling it gave me. Sure, everyone’s free to set their standards and priorities as they see fit. But for me, seeing that item on his list made it crystal clear to me that we absolutely were not a fit for each other.
One Profile Stands Out.
It only took a few weeks before I was matched up with a profile that stood out from all the rest. As I read through it, I could see this individual and I were similar in terms of attitude, lifestyle, and values. And to be honest, I just had a gut feeling we were right for each other. Based on how the platform worked, I knew we both would have been notified of the match at the same time. I figured he would view my profile and conclude, just as I had, that we were a great fit. And then, certain he would be just as excited as I was, I figured he would get in touch right away.
So I waited for him to get in touch. And waited. And waited. I figured wrong; he didn’t get in touch.
Always Wondering What Would Have Happened.
As time passed, I debated with myself as to whether or not I should make the first move. I still remember the thought that entered my mind: either initiate contact and see what happens; or spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. I knew I didn’t want that latter scenario haunting me for the rest of my life, and with that, the decision was made. I initiated contact.
He responded right away. Online communication led to our first phone call. During that call, we arranged to meet for coffee. We wrapped up coffee with plans to meet for a dinner date, and things developed steadily from there. He would later tell me that when he saw the significant age gap between us, he didn’t take my profile seriously as he wasn’t looking for someone so much younger. Whereas to me, a 39-year-old at the time, the prospect of dating a 52-year-old sounded glamorous and exciting! (Now that I’m in my 50s, I understand where he was coming from and his hesitation.)
Pressure to Craft a Picture-Perfect Persona.
Along with eHarmony changing since I used it (i.e.: modernizing its assessment and platform to keep up with the times), so much more has changed across society on a whole. The profiles I read more than a decade ago weren’t overly polished; they appeared genuine and honest. Everyone seemed down-to-earth and “normal” for lack of a better word. Their presentation seemed reflective of what life really looks like for the vast majority of us. I contrast that with today’s world, where people have been trained to craft targeted, picture-perfect online personas for whatever online platform they’re using — personas which often appear highly contrived and anything but genuine, down-to-earth, or reflective of real life. This inevitably must spill over to the online dating world, shaping not just what people present, but also what they expect.
I was fortunate to have had such a wonderful online dating experience, and I’ll always treasure it because of what it led to. But it’s clear to me that my experience is far from reflective of the typical online dating experience today.
About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com
Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.
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