Kindness: It's a Relative Term
By Vernon Hiller | We all have differing degrees of tolerance for showing kindness. This article examines why and how to stretch them.
By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
The topic of kindness has been getting a lot of traction on social media these past few weeks. Many posts have been championing the countless benefits that kindness provides. I love these messages which probably has something to do with why the social media algorithm keeps sending them to me.
The Cambridge dictionary defines kindness as: “The quality of being generous, helpful, and caring about other people, or an act showing this quality. I believe however that kindness or one’s willingness to be kind comes from a place deep within each of us, and that the degree to which anyone is able to show kindness varies greatly from one person to the next. It is as if we all have varying degrees of tolerance for how much kindness we are able to show.
This idea hit home after watching a show last week about a small Ontario town where residents had come together and organized a community alliance to sponsor and resettle refugee families in their area. One woman in particular, a long-time resident of the town, had made tremendous efforts to welcome a Syrian refugee family. She had helped them find a home, jobs, and a school for their children. Their families became so close that over the years their kids came to feel like cousins. They now celebrate each other’s special holidays together and have even taken trips together.
The degree of kindness that she was willing to show the other family was really quite remarkable. Her actions and willingness to open up not just herself but her entire family to a group of strangers really made an impact on me. I wondered if I would be able to open myself and my personal life to that same degree. What would it take for me to offer the same level of kindness to another person or their family? There are certain inconveniences attached to extending ourselves like that for someone else. Such kindness often requires us to take on a level of discomfort and challenge our preconceptions regarding how much kindness is safe to show. Indeed, the degree to which we are able to show kindness is often directly related to the amount of discomfort we are willing to bear.
It occurs to me that our tolerance level for offering kindness may come down to how much compassion we carry with us throughout any given day. It requires a level of trust and a willingness to disregard and be comfortable with the fact that sometimes others may take advantage of us. It asks us to pause and temporarily put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Mostly it calls for a willingness to temporarily take ourselves off course. Let me give you an example. The daughter of a poor family on your street goes to the same school as your daughter. They only have one car which the father takes to work every day, so their daughter must walk to school which takes her about half an hour. You drive your daughter to school each day which takes about 5 minutes. You think about offering to drive the other girl, but then you begin to worry about logistics. What about your different morning schedules, or the mornings where you must drive in early so your daughter can attend volleyball practice? Before you know it, you’ve talked yourself out of even offering a ride.
Everyone’s comfort level for kindness is different. For some, it goes as far as a wave to a neighbour. For others it means engaging in conversation with a checkout clerk. Some make it a habit to give money to those living on the street, or an annual donation to a favourite charity. Still others may offer to help someone find a job or a shelter. It all comes down to how much discomfort a particular level of kindness will cause me? How busy am I, how much time will this take, and do I currently feel comfortable enough to take myself to the next level of kindness? These are often the questions we ask ourselves when met with an opportunity to be kind.
But what if we all made the decision to stretch ourselves just a little? What if instead of just a wave we said hello? Instead of engaging in mere conversation we engaged in a topic that would leave them with a smile on their face when we left? What if rather than simply giving money to a homeless person, we spoke to them and asked exactly what they needed? What if rather than pass judgement on them we assumed they were dealing with the worst circumstances and opened our hearts to them. You get the point. We all have it in us to stretch ourselves just a little.
Years ago, my father-in-law told me a story about a conversation he had with a gentleman at a men’s homeless shelter where he volunteered. He asked the man how he had ended up living on the street. The man said that at one time he had actually had a wonderful life. He had a successful career in finance, owned a large home, had a lovely wife and two kids, and was quite happy. Then one afternoon his wife was in an horrific car accident and both her and their two children were killed. After that he just saw no reason to continue. What was the point of paying bills, continuing to work, paying down a mortgage or trying to advance his career? Everything in his life had shrunk in comparison to the huge loss he had experienced. Seeing no point in concerning himself with all the things that now seemed so trivial, he literally walked away from his previous life.
After hearing this story, I made the decision to never again concern myself as to whether someone really needed help or if it was just a ruse. After all, who are we to pass judgement on anyone asking for help? Is it not better to err on the side of compassion than to judge them and risk being wrong?
We never know the kind of day, week, year or life someone has had. Why not reserve our judgement and be kind? Better yet, stretch our kindness beyond what we’ve become comfortable demonstrating. Think of the impact we could all have if we chose to do that every day.
Kindness is not meant to just benefit the receivers. Those who show kindness benefit in untold ways as well.
About the author: Vernon Hiller is a decorated District Chief of Operations (Retired) with the Toronto Fire Services and has served the city for over 36 years. He is a Board member with LEADR - a charitable non-profit organization dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. - Having struggled with ADHD as a child, Vernon is passionate about helping others discover the potential that hides within them.
Love how you shared your thought process as you explored this topic Vernon. Great use of examples to make different points come alive and really hit home. Beautifully written, a pleasure to read, and such a worthwhile topic to cover. As a teenager, I encountered some wonderful individuals who were willing to inconvenience themselves in order to show kindness to me. Decades later, I'm still incredibly grateful. One never knows the lasting impact an act of kindness, big or small, will have.
In our shiny, Instagram lives; as leaders and trailblazers; as published people of prominence, sometimes a genuine: "How are you?" is literally all it takes to go from feeling invisible and utilitarian to being seen, heard, and valued -- simply as a fellow traveler and sensitive soul.