Is Honesty the Best Policy?

By Susan Knight | A look at how honesty plays out in real life.

Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions

Photo by Gama. Films on Unsplash

“How did you get that indentation in the middle of your forehead? Did someone throw a rock at you when you were a kid?”

What indentation? Wait, that little mark that’s so barely noticeable, I can go months, sometimes even years without remembering or noticing that it’s there?

Yes, that was the mark my then-husband was talking about.

Years later, divorced and in a new relationship, my partner and I were sitting across from each other over dinner when he randomly started talking about a movie starring James Earl Jones. He described a point in the plot where there’s some kind of conflict between two young boys, leading to one of them throwing a rock at the other one’s head. The plot reference served as a convenient lead-in to the question he really wanted to ask me: “Did someone throw a rock at you when you were a kid and that’s why you have that indentation in the middle of your forehead?”

The indentation-in-the-forehead question doesn’t just reflect keen observation skills, it also speaks to a measure of honesty. If I had asked either one of these men if they thought other people notice that mark, I’m pretty sure the response would have been something along the lines of, “Of course! How could anyone not notice an indentation right in the middle of your forehead?”

They were both equally honest when it came to saving me from sartorial disaster. I recall my husband warning me that capri pants were less than ideal for me, given that I’m on the short side. “They stop at a weird place on your legs and make you look funny,” he said. When leggings began to shift from gym wear to everyday wear, my partner was adamant that leggings were not pants, and implored me to be mindful of that fact. I know some will chime in at this point with indignation and accusations that these men were attempting to “control” me and “police” what I wear. Not at all; I was glad I could trust them to tell me the truth, both when something was working to my advantage, and when it clearly wasn’t. Thanks to both of them, I have far fewer of those dreaded photographs where I cringe and ask myself, “What on earth were you thinking when you wore that?!!”

I recently came across some cards my ex-husband gave me while we were dating, and that’s what got me thinking about the issue of honesty. In one of the cards, he had written:

“I appreciate your honesty — all of it, even though it is very sobering for me at times… I have never left a time together or a conversation where I felt totally overwhelmed or hopeless (sobered, but never discouraged.)”

I could easily say the very same thing about him. His honesty might have left you feeling sobered, but not overwhelmed, hopeless, or discouraged. People found it easy to confide in him because he made them feel liked, respected, and accepted, regardless of the shortcomings they might be divulging or the messy circumstances they might be going through. You got the sense he was in your corner and on your side, which impacted how his words came across. This blend of honesty with a heartfelt, encouraging delivery left you clear on what you needed to deal with, inspired to deal with it, and confident you had the ability to deal with it.

Context, motives, and timing are hugely important when it comes to honesty. Am I sharing something of genuine benefit to the other person? Am I presuming to know what’s best for someone else, mistakenly thinking I have a full and complete understanding of their life, their inner workings, and their needs? Even if what I’m sharing with the person has validity, do they need to hear it from me, or is it a realization they need to arrive at on their own? Am I sharing something that really applies more to myself than the other person? Am I being reckless, selfish, or impatient? Instead of my honest, but perhaps misinformed or misguided opinion, is it possible that what someone really needs is for me to be by their side as they work through things and reach their own conclusions in their own time?

Taking time to answer these questions provides a valuable pause before a mess of unhelpful or unnecessary words (which can’t be taken back) come tumbling out. These questions require honesty with oneself first and foremost, which is always a good place to start. From there, being honest with others becomes much easier, and we’re able to navigate the terrain with much greater clarity.

As for the “brutally honest” approach, I think there’s rarely a need for brutality to enter into the equation. Why the need to bonk someone over the head with the truth if the point can be made equally well with a less heavy-handed approach and less risk of inadvertent harm? It’s quite possible to communicate in a manner that’s truthful yet tactful; and where necessary, gentle and restrained. With that said, it’s still important to be clear and direct, so someone isn’t left struggling to figure out what’s actually being said and what the real message is.

For the final word on honesty, I would be remiss if I didn’t go to one of my favourite Bible passages, Proverbs 24:26 NIV:

“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.”

About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com

Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.

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