Grieving the Loss, Remembering the Love
By Susan Knight | The pain of grief and loss often serves to illuminate the presence of love and loyalty.
Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
When Tina Fornwald speaks about grief and loss, she’s speaking from personal experience. Founder of the organization Widowhood Real Talk with Tina and host of a weekly podcast by the same name, Tina lost her own husband, the love of her life for 32 years, when he died from a massive heart attack in 2017. Drawing on both her lived experience and her warm, welcoming nature, she offers maturity, understanding, and a generous measure of empathy when interviewing widows and widowers, regardless of where they are in their grief journey.
I recently listened to Tina’s in-depth podcast episode A Widower’s Journey of Hope in which she spoke with Francisco R. Francisco’s life changed dramatically when his wife Audra experienced serious health issues requiring multiple surgeries, ongoing treatment, and frequent hospital stays. His life was later turned completely upside down when his wife died unexpectedly. Obviously, it’s a story filled with sadness and the harsh pain of grief; that aspect is undeniable. However, as much as the sadness and pain came across while listening to their conversation, what came across just as clearly and powerfully was the wonderfully inspiring love story the two shared.
Francisco described how his relationship with Audra developed over years of long-distance dating as they emailed back and forth, and how this allowed them to get to know each other in a deep, meaningful way. Connecting through Skype video calls turned out to be an asset, as it meant they were always fully present and engaged when communicating with each other. By the time they were married and living together, their relationship was characterized by trust, loyalty, and a strong connection solidified over all those years of long-distance communication. They each understood who the other person was on a deep level.
Commitment in the face of trials.
At one point during the conversation, Tina asked Francisco about his commitment to his wife, given the unexpected turn of events in their life with respect to her health-related difficulties. She asked why he didn’t walk away when the reality of their life together began to unfold entirely differently from what he had envisioned. Francisco responded that the challenges they faced, such as all the time Audra had to spend hospitalized, actually strengthened their relationship.
He went on to make an excellent observation about what he referred to as Instagram couples: they might look like they’re living an amazing life and appear to be happy all the time, but what happens when life throws something at them that they weren’t expecting? It’s a great question. What happens when they are forced to contend with difficult circumstances that no longer make for Instagram worthy photos, but instead test the strength of the relationship? What happens when physical injury and disfigurement of some sort, as was the case with Francisco’s wife, are part of the equation?
Insights that apply to relationships of any kind.
Many of Francisco’s insights and observations about marriage are relevant to close relationships of any kind:
The value of being supportive and patient when someone is going through health challenges (or challenges of any kind, for that matter).
Recognizing that you cannot force someone to be what they are not, a fact that becomes even more relevant when someone is struggling and unable to function as usual.
Making a conscious decision to be loyal, whether circumstances are fun and enjoyable, or complicated and challenging.
Being willing to extend yourself to go the extra mile for someone else.
Grieving vs. coping and the benefits of therapy.
Francisco also shared how he went for therapy after his wife’s death to help him manage his grief. It wasn’t that he didn’t have people to connect with; he did, both within his own family and Audra’s family. But as he put it, even when people are able to grieve together (which has enormous value), they don’t necessarily all cope with their grief in the same way.
Does everyone need to attend therapy in order to manage the grieving process? Not necessarily; although it can certainly help when someone feels completely overwhelmed and finds themself unable to effectively manage what they’re experiencing; or if someone gets stuck at some point and is unable to move forward. As Francisco shared, ultimately he would have acquired the necessary coping skills and sorted out his feelings on his own, but it likely would have been a much slower process, with a lot more confusion to wade through.
Talking helps with healing.
I appreciated Francisco’s observation that the act of talking helps with healing. He was referring to this in the context of therapy, but the benefits extend beyond the confines of a professional therapeutic relationship. I’m a firm believer that mental health and emotional well-being across society would improve substantially if more people had close, trusted friends (or anyone they feel sufficiently comfortable with) to confide in.
Whether it’s a major event such as the loss of a loved one, or just the little things in life, the freedom to share openly and get things off one’s chest is hugely beneficial. When given the opportunity to speak freely without the need to apologize, justify, or otherwise self-censor, we feel less overwhelmed and start moving towards a place of emotional equilibrium. The jumbled mess of thoughts in our head becomes clearer and more organized, bringing to light elements we previously weren’t noticing. As we listen to ourselves speaking, we often gain a better understanding of whatever it is we’re experiencing, along with increased clarity around what our next steps ought to be.
Amidst the pain, illuminating the love that was shared.
There’s never a good time to lose someone you love, and there are added layers to deal with when the individual is relatively young and/or the death is unexpected. However, painful as the circumstances may be, it’s possible to extract something positive as one moves through the healing process. Oftentimes, the intensity of those painful circumstances serves to illuminate the depth and intensity of the love that was present. Furthermore, if someone is willing to face the pain and work through it honestly, the self-reflection this requires paves the way for new insights, deepened convictions, and greater self-awareness. As such, there’s much to be learned from stories of loss, and I applaud Francisco and others like him for courageously putting themselves out there to share these deeply personal stories.
About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com
Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.
