Friendship, Intimacy, and a Witness to Our Existence
By Susan Knight | Whether deeply intimate or less so, friendship contributes to a healthy sense of self and well-being; it has a critical role to play as societal structures shift and change
Written by Susan Knight | Seeking Veritas Columnist | Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
Loyalty and commitment. Trust and vulnerability. A level of intimacy that creates a unique space separate from the rest of the world, where you are able to connect deeply with each other. A space where you are both free to share, explore, and make discoveries about yourself, about each other, and about life itself. This isn’t a description of marriage or a romantic relationship; it’s a description of friendship. For some, it might sound like “a bit much” for a friendship — a bit too close, a bit too intense — and that’s perfectly understandable. For others, it will sound exhilarating, reflecting the depth, richness, and vibrancy of what a friendship can be.
This is exactly the kind of friendship shared by two women named Annette and Tina, a friendship spanning four decades and two continents. A news article delved into the details, describing how the two met at university in Germany more than 40 years ago. Tina moved to Canada shortly after they graduated but they stayed in touch, writing to each other and occasionally speaking by phone. Already close, they decided to take things to the next level a few years ago with a special project: they made a commitment to share a single word with each other every day, deliberately restricting themselves to a single word as a way to build intimacy and embrace imagination:
“The single word is more open for interpretation,” explained Annette. ‘You have to slip into the other's spirit, into the other's mind. And if you explain something with two words or with a sentence, this is gone.”
Slipping into the other’s spirit? Into the other’s mind? How breathtakingly thrilling!
Annette made another statement that was simple yet extremely meaningful: “She [Tina] is a witness of my existence, of the fact that I'm still alive.” The truth of the matter is everyone needs a witness of their existence. Regardless of how confident, secure, and stable someone may be, there are aspects of one’s self that are meant to operate in relation to another, and which can only be experienced fully in relation to another. Slipping into someone else’s spirit and mind might extend far beyond where everyone wants to go in their friendships. However, regardless of the specific friendship dynamics and one’s preferred level of intimacy, close friends play an important role in providing us with that witness to our existence. And while this has always been the case, the role of friendship in this regard is more important now than ever before given the ways in which society is changing.
Consider how the number of adults living alone has increased over the past few decades. According to Statistics Canada, there were 1.7 million single-person households in Canada in 1981, which meant 10% of all adults lived alone at that time. By 2021, the number of single-person households had more than doubled, reaching 4.4 million; that translates into 15% of all adults living alone. Granted many of those individuals (but not all) live alone by choice, and are more than happy with that choice. Nevertheless, even under the best of circumstances, this represents a huge segment of the population that does not experience all those routine daily exchanges that naturally occur when people share a living space, thus amplifying the need for, and benefits gained from, friendship.
Outside the home, while some regions will undoubtedly have a stronger sense of community than others, there are plenty of folks who don’t know their immediate neighbours well enough to exchange anything besides a polite hello, if that. Expanding out a bit further, we’ve all noticed all the heads bent down around us as people focus more on their smartphones and less on their surroundings. This has led to a reduction in the amount of small talk that spontaneously occurs as we go about our daily lives.
And what happens on those occasions when there is an opportunity for small talk? A whole new set of social norms have evolved in recent years to complicate the endeavour. Will a compliment meant to serve as a friendly conversation starter be interpreted as offensive? Will a well-intentioned question meant to break the ice be misconstrued in some way so as to suggest ill intent? Rather than risk an ill-fated attempt at navigating these conditions, many opt to play it safe. They either remain silent, or limit their communication to the bare minimum required, thus further reducing engagement and opportunities to connect.
More people living alone, limited contact with neighbours, and less communication with people in general as everyone becomes increasingly preoccupied and increasingly guarded. Put all of that together, and the growing importance of friendship in our lives is blatantly obvious. Whether we’re sharing from the depths of our soul, seeking input and support during difficult times, celebrating a special victory, chatting about the mundane, or simply enjoying a good laugh together, friendship provides something essential that improves our emotional well-being and makes life better; it makes us better.
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art . . . It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” — C. S. Lewis
You can read the referenced article titled How 2 friends nourish their long-distance friendship with one word a day here
About the author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | Contact the author: @ http://skfreelance.com
Susan is certified health and wellness coach with a focus on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.
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