Enabling People to Make Better Choices
By Susan Knight | A look at what is and isn’t helpful for enabling people to make better choices in their lives.
Written by Susan Knight for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions.
For the most part, I agree with the notion that better choices typically lead to better outcomes. However, I also recognize how complex and involved this equation often is. That complexity often causes our efforts to go awry when we attempt to help others make better choices. Even with the best of intentions, we may wind up doing more harm than good.
Much of the problem is due to our words, and thus our attitude, coming across as accusatory or dictatorial. More likely than not, we don’t realize we’re coming across in this way as it isn’t our intent. But our lack of awareness doesn’t change what the other person is perceiving, how they’re interpreting it, and how they’re being affected by it.
Ice-cream, with its many flavours, is the perfect metaphor to illustrate this.
An Accusatory Approach
“Why don’t you eat pistachio ice-cream?”
For the one who’s asking, starting a question with “Why don’t you…” may seem innocuous, nothing more than a neutral inquiry. But tone of voice, power dynamics within the relationship, and a multitude of other factors can make it seem less neutral, and more accusatory. For the one being questioned, it can evoke the feeling of standing trial and being challenged to justify or give an account for their behaviour. Is it any wonder the person shuts down, retreats, or becomes defensive? Worst-case scenario, the person feels threatened or backed into a corner and responds by lashing out. Such an extreme overreaction is neither appropriate nor prudent, but it’s also not entirely surprising.
Inherent in the aforementioned ice-cream question is the assumption that the person has made a conscious choice not to eat pistachio ice-cream. This assumption presupposes that the person being questioned is familiar with pistachio ice-cream and has ready access to it. These assumptions and presuppositions aren’t necessarily accurate. Perhaps the person has never heard of pistachio ice-cream. If so, they aren’t consciously choosing not to eat it; they don’t know such a choice exists. In any aspect of life, our choices are limited to what we know and have access to. That which is “normal” and taken for granted in one person’s world may be completely unheard of in someone else’s world.
The nature of this question also presumes that the person being questioned has a clear reason for their behaviour, which they can articulate. In reality, the reasoning for their behaviour might not be clear to the person at all. Conversely, the person might be very clear on the reasoning behind their behaviour but prefer not to share it, particularly if it’s wrapped up in pain, shame, fear, or past humiliation.
A Dictatorial Approach
“You should eat pistachio ice-cream.”
As previously explained, it’s unreasonable, unrealistic, and unfair to expect someone to do something when the substance of that “something” (whatever it may be, and regardless of how simple or obvious it may be) is not yet part of their world and their consciousness.
Furthermore, telling someone what they should do presumes having knowledge of what’s best for the person. This is a big presumption; and we’re all the more likely to miss the mark when we don’t know the person’s inner state, backstory, or extenuating circumstances they’re dealing with.
For instance, maybe someone can’t digest pistachio ice-cream at this time. Likewise, maybe someone can’t “digest” what they’re being told to do. The proposed action may seem frightening, threatening, dangerous, or overwhelmingly risky. Perhaps it doesn’t make sense. It might seem impossible or unattainable. The person might have been repeatedly punished or severely penalized for engaging in the action in the past, leaving a lasting imprint both emotionally and neurologically.
For countless reasons, what seems like a routine or straightforward action might simply be too much of a stretch at the moment, with the person needing to take incremental steps to build their capacity and confidence before they can proceed.
A Facilitative Approach
There’s another, more effective way we can encourage someone to make different or better choices, particularly in situations where we’re dealing with limited information, or our input has not been explicitly requested.
We don’t request an explanation (remember, your “innocent request” may come across more like an accusatory challenge) for why the person did/didn’t make a particular choice; nor do we tell them what we think they should do (which is of little help when we don’t know what the person may or may not be capable of at that time.)
Instead, we facilitate conditions by which the person
a) becomes aware of the options available to them, and
b) is given access to those options with the freedom to act when they’re ready.
Returning to our ice-cream metaphor, envision this scene: dinner has been eaten, the dishes have been cleared away, and the host brings out pistachio ice-cream for dessert. After watching other people eating it, the never-seen-pistachio-ice-cream-before guest tentatively samples a small amount. “It’s definitely unfamiliar and a bit strange,” the person thinks, “but it’s also kind of nice!” Beyond becoming acquainted with pistachio ice-cream, the person arrives at the broader, more significant realization that ice-cream comes in many flavours, and their curiosity is piqued around other flavours that might be worth trying.
Don’t underestimate the power of a facilitative approach to enable people to make better choices (“better” being choices that serve the individual’s own best interests and welfare.) Simply by providing access to something new — be it new opportunities, new ways of interacting, new ways of thinking and behaving, or new ways of perceiving and being perceived — we provide conditions through which someone’s world expands, giving them more possibilities to consider and explore. This process changes a person, and as that change unfolds, different and better choices naturally follow.
About the Author: Susan Knight | SGP Featured Writer | http://skfreelance.com
Susan is certified health and wellness coach, focusing on personal growth and inner wellness. She was a regular contributor to Social Work Today Magazine and is now a featured Health & Wellness Columnist for SGP.
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