Deep Feelers: The Capacity to Embrace Yourself
By Vernon Hiller | This article explores the benefits of embracing who you are and how that can impact one's career.
By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
A recent LinkedIn post by
about what it is like being a “deep feeler in a world that teaches you to shut down” made me reflect on the strength it takes to “feel things all the way through.” My wife and son are both deep feelers. They can sense how an event or moment will emotionally unfold before it happens, reading a room’s vibe instantly - whether it’s supportive and loving, or competitive, boastful, or decidedly hostile. But the depth and intensity of their empathy can also be overwhelming, sometimes negatively impacting their wellbeing. This leaves them with two possible choices: embrace their feelings and use them to their advantage, or hide from them, and internalize society’s judgement that they’re too sensitive or weak. This latter is extremely unfortunate because when they numb their true nature, they lose something uniquely valuable. On the other hand, embracing the fact that they feel deeply can give them an edge in both their personal and professional life.Thankfully, I don’t have this ability, because if I did I don’t think I could have coped with everything I’ve seen over the years. Being a deep feeler would not have helped me in my career or life. In fact I used to boast that I had an innate ability to compartmentalize. I could put away tragic experiences, lock them up, and often forget about them within hours. Although the years have taught me that such experiences never completely disappear, this ability allowed me to excel in a job that could have easily been overwhelming for deep feelers. Sadly for many of them, the only escape was alcohol, drugs or worse.
It wasn’t until about 6 years ago that I told my wife, half-jokingly, that my ability to remain unaffected by my experiences as a firefighter might not be due to compartmentalization but because I was just an insensitive a-hole. Although I was half-joking, there was some truth to this - my nature made it easier to stay detached from a job that, by all accounts, should have left me with more scars than fond memories.
Many of the people I’ve shared my experiences with say they couldn’t imagine dealing with all that I’ve seen. As a deep feeler, my wife would listen, but sometimes have to find her own way of processing the emotions that would inevitably arise. She couldn’t help but feel a deep responsibility to offer support even though I couldn’t feel the weight of those traumatic events as intensely as she did.
Years ago, I suggested to my Platoon Chief that there was probably a much higher percentage of firefighters with ADHD than the general population. While ADHD can often be a hinderance in school and other structured environments where disinterest plays a part, firefighting is an environment where its traits can be assets. In certain situations distractibility and pattern recognition can actually be lifesaving attributes. Perhaps it was my ADHD that helped buffer me from the emotional trauma of the job. Maybe my ability to hyper-focus on what mattered most allowed me to separate myself from much of the emotional weight that sometimes accompanied the incidents to which we responded. Whatever the reason, I was always able to separate myself emotionally.
Before settling on firefighting, I field tested many different careers: lifeguard, demolition labourer, assembly line worker, security guard, steel mill ladle-man, handitransit bus driver, retail worker, fitness instructor and even song and dance man. In the end, firefighting was the one that best aligned with who I was.
Some people equate finding a fulfilling career with being an entrepreneur. They believe that working for someone else means sacrificing passion or purpose. However, one is not exclusive of the other. Being an entrepreneur is not a mandatory requirement for finding fulfillment. It’s about finding a career that aligns with your values and strengths. For me, that was firefighting. It felt like I had been built specifically for it. I was energetic, worked well in teams, enjoyed helping others, saw the humorous side of life, could hyper-focus, wasn’t risk averse, and for the most part was not adversely affected by what I saw. The job always felt like the perfect fit. It had a purpose that aligned with my values, and regardless of the people I worked with was always something I was passionate about.
One thing I have noticed among some of my colleagues who struggled with the emotional toll of the job, is that many of them often played the role of the loudest, most boisterous crew member. In hindsight this could have been a coping mechanism they developed to mask their vulnerability and the shame they felt over how deeply certain incidents affected them. In a job where we’re expected to be the helpers and caregivers, admitting that we need support ourselves can be incredibly difficult.
The bottom line is we all have strengths and weaknesses, and how we handle them depends on the environment we are in. That is why it is so important to get to know yourself and not shy away from qualities that society might label as as weaknesses, deficits, or disorders. Often, these are the qualities that when placed in the right situation, environment, or career can become superpowers. Having the courage to embrace who we are regardless of how society views us, can be one of the greatest gifts we give ourselves. Exploring who we are fully, without the fear of judgement, can often lead to something more fulfilling than we ever imagined. “Feeling things all the way through” is an heroic journey worthy of our greatest effort, because without it, we might otherwise never discover who we truly are and what we’re meant to do.
About the Author: Vernon Hiller is a decorated District Chief of Operations (Retired) with the Toronto Fire Services and has served the city for over 36 years. He is a Board member with LEADR - a charitable non-profit organization dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. - Having struggled with ADHD as a child, Vernon is passionate about helping others discover the potential that hides within them.
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