Damaged Goods, or Works in Progress?
By Vernon Hiller | This article examines how even those things that scar or damage us play essential roles in forming who we become.
By: Vernon Hiller for Sankarsingh-Gonsalves Productions
For years I have had a sense that one of the things we all share in common is that we are all damaged in some way. Recently I have come to firmly believe it. This is not to say that “damaged” necessarily equates to our being dysfunctional social misfits, unable to see humour, lazy, uneducated, inarticulate, unsophisticated or uncultured. I don’t believe it means we can’t excel in our careers, become entrepreneurs, great orators or leaders in our field. It does not exempt us from building strong healthy relationships, having insight into complex problems, or being able to make connections between outcomes and primary causes. It can, however, definitely impact our abilities is some of these areas.
So much depends on the degree of damage, how much power we give it over our choices, and our ability to examine and reconcile it with the person we want to become. Although there are those who become crippled by it, many others function perfectly well as contributing members of society.
Sometimes one’s damage can be buried so deeply that it becomes the hidden incentive for pursuing careers that bring great status. Indeed careers can be the perfect refuge to hide from or avoid confronting our damage. If it remains unacknowledged and unaddressed, it always finds a way to leak out into our lives. Certain events, interactions or mishaps can act as triggers bringing that damaged feeling to the surface and impairing us in some way for a period of time. It may manifest as a substance abuse problem or sabotage our marriage or other relationships. It can negatively affect our self esteem or ability to see any hope in the future. Our damage can cause us to feel shame or guilt which prevents us from sharing it with others. Sometimes our shame is so strong that hiding our damage becomes our singular priority, something we will hide at any cost.
In my observation, damage often occurs due to some form of physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse. Talk to the women in your lives and you will hear how common it is for them to have been sexually assaulted in one form or another at some point in their lives. We can become damaged from early traumas, parental breakups, bullying, incessant teasing, racism, learning disabilities or exclusion from our community.
Some people are successful in spite of their damage, while others are successful because of it. Sometimes an insecurity in one area can drive us to achieve phenomenal success in another as a means of filling the void created by our damage. Many push themselves towards fame or financial success to prove that they have value, are significant and worthy of recognition. We may view our damage as a weakness, so we keep busy in order to distract ourselves from having to face it. The constant work and worry about our damage being discovered can manifest in the form of burnout. Still others simply give up, falling prey to their damage and allowing themselves to be devoured by the insidious negativity and defeatism it exudes.
Regardless of how any of us respond, I do not believe anyone makes it through this life unscathed. We all have our war wounds - those experiences that have damaged us in one way or another. Recognizing our damage, examining its root cause and acknowledging that we must face and deal with it is the first step towards putting it behind us. When we are able to do that, our chances of living a more balanced, nurturing and fulfilling life increase exponentially. But for some, it takes a huge amount of courage which can take time to arrive at and develop.
Unfortunately what gets missed by those who work so hard to hide or deny the damaged part of themselves is the hidden gift that lies within it. It’s been my experience that when we are brave enough to uncover and explore our damaged part we often find a strength we never knew we had. When we are able to come to terms with our damage, it can be an instrumental force in forming the person we eventually become. We can even begin to see it as a gift. We come to understand that although our damage may have injured or hindered us, it can also offer us a freedom we never knew possible. Such freedom is empowering. By gaining ownership over our damage and the pain it caused, we take back control, effectively removing any power it has over us. If we are then able to share our damage, we weaken it further and disempower those who would otherwise use it as a means of diminishing or belittling us. Thus it not only becomes a form of personal empowerment, but through its sharing also helps inspire and strengthen others.
There is no manual on how to grow up to be a perfectly well-rounded adult. There is no avoiding damage, it happens. That said, we can change our perspective and know that while there may be aspects of our character that remain damaged, buried beneath it we are all precious works of art. We may have parts we can work on or areas we must dig through, but damaged goods? No, we’re all simply works in progress.
About the Author: Vernon Hiller is a decorated District Chief of Operations (Retired) with the Toronto Fire Services and has served the city for over 36 years. He is a Board member with LEADR - a charitable non-profit organization dedicated to providing literacy tutoring for adults in Durham Region. - Having struggled with ADHD as a child, Vernon is passionate about helping others discover the potential that hides within them.
